Scholarship Essay; wanna help me?

[fruple]

So, as Lprdgecko posted their English essay here, I assumed this would be the right sub-forum for this.

I have to write a 250 word essay (mine is 247) on a subject of my choice, and of course that subject was music. I don't really know if this is good enough to send in or if I should just forget it, but I thought you guys might enjoy the read. If you would give feedback and constructive criticism that would be wonderful.

Thanks in advance!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Why doesn't music count as a foreign language credit?

That question has plagued me all through my school years. Music shares many common rules and peculiarities with all sorts of languages worldwide; of what is and isn't allowed in a certain phrase, of how accents can change the entire meaning, of how the expression can change the connotation of the idea.

And music, like love, is an international language, that anyone who tries can speak. Is it the ease of use, the simplicity behind learning it that makes it not count? Or is it but the fact that as an "international" language, and it's being present worldwide, that it simply can't count as a "foreign" language?

Though whatever I may believe, no college so far has agreed with my way of thinking. Don't believe me? Next time you meet with your college counselor, tell them you can stop taking German because you already have 6 years of music. Remember to bring your camera to that meeting, their face will be priceless!

<><><><><><><><><><><>

I don't like the ending at all, so yeah, give ideas. And please don't steal.

[Lprdgecko]

"Music shares many common rules and peculiarities with all sorts of languages worldwide;"

This sentence is a little awkward... Maybe change it to "Both music and languages have many rules and peculiarities, such as...." and continue on with what you wrote. I dunno. It's not bad the way you put it either, just another opinion.

"....is an international language, that anyone who tries can speak."

Maybe instead put "... is an international language, and anyone who tries can speak it."

Overall it's a good essay. Is it a maximum of 250 words? Oh, and in your last paragraph, instead of putting "...you already have 6 years of music.", write out the word six; it's a little more formal.

I would say go ahead and turn it in. There's no harm done if you don't get the scholarship, may as well try!

[~*Not~a~Stalker~*]

I like this...It's obviously a very original idea! I've never thought of music like that...Two thumbs and a toe up!

[hansel2011]

I love it. You can tell by the words and the way you used it that you care so much about it and it made me think. i have never thought of it like that. great job. ket us know how it goes.

[fruple]

Danke danke!

I touched it up a bit and set it in; hopefully it's good enough to win something.

And Lprdgecko, it is a max of 250 words.

[Deleted]

In the second paragraph, you said "but" out of place and used it's instead of its. Just saying.